How to rest after a late night boss triumph
The Tale of the Department Store Child-Oracle
I’ve always been a night owl. One of my earliest memories is crawling out of bed after bedtime because I’d heard a kid in the boys’ section of Macy’s say that the way through the Lost Forest had something to do with “North West South West.” You see, back in the day, instead of Google Search, we had Mall Rumors. Also we had to memorize the phone numbers of everyone in our life — but that’s another story for another time.
I hadn’t had the chance to act on this overheard intel until the apartment was dark. So, I popped in my Zelda cartridge, turned the TV volume low, and headed west of the faerie pond, to try my hand at navigating the forest. Lo and behold, the kid trying on winter parkas was onto something, and using his code, I was able to unlock a snowy expanse full of centaurs. Once I realized I was near the graveyard hiding the magic sword, I knew I was in for an all-nighter.
Still a kid at heart. Just one with his own home office.
30 years later, very little has changed. I now wait for the kids to go to bed, turn my office lights low, pop on Discord and see what my New World Company is up to.
The other night, we decided to go for the gusto, an M10 (the tippy-top level mutation available) of the Lazarus Instrumentality. Our collective gear score was a bit low for the Crème de la Crème of dungeon difficulty, but we had golded an M8 the previous night, and wanted to test ourselves.
Immediately, we realize we’re in an entirely different animal. My rapier is hitting for, perhaps 65-75% damage of what I’m used to. Skeleton spears hit my armored-to-the-hilt DPS with near mortal wounds. Portals of void death open up below with little warning. Several of us die trying to navigate the Lazarus’ first puzzle. This is no easy gold.
75 minutes later, way past the allotted gold medal timer, our group overcomes Chardis and limps over the finish line with a bronze. A moral victory, we return to our in-game houses to lick our wounds and sort our loot.
How can you sleep after an epic victory?
Bleary-eyed, I look at the clock and realize it’s pushing 1:30 AM. I know I have to wake up at 7:30 to get the munchkins to school and start work. But falling immediately asleep after mashing light attack buttons and spamming evades to defeat an ancient behemoth is no easy thing.
As a dutiful biohacker, I head to my secret bathroom cabinet of solutions. I’m not an Ambien guy — I don’t do synthetics. I prefer the naturopath way — sunshine (natural Vitamin D) and exercise to sleep. But, if instead of swimming in a tropical lagoon, I’ve been spending the last seven hours staring at a blue-light ridden screen in a dark room, I give my system a little help. My chosen aid is DreamBig, Kosmic Dust’s relaxation booster.
It’s heavy artillery for my limbic system. It’s got all the good stuff: goji, lemon balm, chamomile, tryptophan, and the classic melatonin.
20-25 minutes later, I’m able to let go of the thoughts of unsorted legendary drops, and missed opportunities to fleche away from danger. I sleep.
I dream of a kid in the shoe section trying to tell me something about “Up, up, down, down, left right, left right, B, A, start.”
Why do the Konami savants all hang out at JC Penny?
