Much has been written about the New York Knicks, the sadistic basketball franchise that serves as a personal hobgoblin for millions of New York sports fans. In NYC, where escapism is necessary to cope with the harsh realities of city life, the Knicks serve as a hangnail-level irritation to remind people how miserable they are in their Siberian prison of a metropolis.
This year (and you can probably come back to read this accurately in any given year) the Knicks have gotten off to a 2-9 (worst in the NBA) start, after missing out on a generational talent in the draft (Zion Williamson), missing out on two generational free agents (Kyrie Irving and Kevin Durant) and intentionally sending away a generational talent (Kristaps Porzingis) in exchange for a lottery ticket and a four-pack of Natty Light.
When, to the shock of management, it was discovered that top-level-free-agents didn’t want to sign with a laughing-stock franchise on a 20-year losing streak, Knicks brass spent $70 million dollars on “secondary” free agents, in the hope of at least fielding a more competent team than the 2018-19 version who tied a franchise record with 65 losses.
These free agents all happened to be Power Forwards with short arms, slow feet and no vertical leaping ability. I suppose the Knicks reasoned that if they mashed all these PFs together into the paint, they would form an impenetrable 6 foot 9 inch wall, that no opponent would dare breach.
Pretty early into the 2019-20 campaign, opponents discovered that they could shoot the basketball over this mashed agglomeration of Power Forwards to score copious amounts of points. The Knicks’ coaching staff adjusted by adding even more Power Forwards to the court, urging them to use more Power. Knicks brass leveraged their relationship with local utility Con Edison to pump illegal amounts of Power into Madison Square Garden, but no amount of Power could stop these pesky high-arcing basketball trajectories. Aerodynamics experts in Knicks central are working hard to crack this puzzle.
In the meantime, it turns out that a team of game developers and trauma counselors have simulated the experience of being a Knick fan. The Knicks simulation engine is called QWOP.
For extra immersion, you can refer to the QWOP avatar as “Frank Ntilikina.” Did Frank Ntilikina run 1.8 meters before falling over dead? Cheer! Wake up the neighbors! Frank Ntilikina limped sideways before lurching face-first into the clay! Hooray! A moral victory! The only victory possible in Knicks QWOP.
Once in a blue moon, you might even spot Frank Ntilikina limp and crow hop for 100 meters before teetering over, dead. This rare event, is a Knicks victory. You may even see as many as 16 of these per year. Savor them, my friend. City life is tough, and this Faustian sports team is the only approved form of entertainment.
